"In recognizing a fixie owner, physical appearance accounts for nothing. If he openly declares himself to be a fixie owner, we must take his word for it.”- Ford-era armed forces information film
A spectre is haunting urban areas—the spectre of fixie ownership. Every day this growing class of "pinkos out there that ride bicycles and everything," seeks to exploit the common motorist by eradicating his precious road lanes, passing him in rush hour, and making him feel self-conscious about his weight. This Godless, senseless, and petrol-less War on the Car threatens suburban values and must be stopped. Cyclists must be brought to justice.
Below, we’ve listed the Top 10 Ways to Spot a Fixie Owner.
1. He talks about how much money he’s saving by not owning a car.
A fixie owner loves to show his contempt for the driving class by gloating about his low maintenance costs, the absence of insurance, and free parking. But justice is not about fiscal reality; it’s about suffering equally.
2. He conspires in suspicious places like parks and white, sandy beaches.
Conscious of his controversial political leanings, a fixie owner meets with his comrades in public spaces not accessible to automobiles. They talk about life, work, and—most egregiously—cycling.
3. He uses unusual language (“Fixie Language”).
In an effort to hide his schemes from enemies, a fixie owner speaks in a seemingly incoherent code. Listen for covert terms like, “That’s a nice helmet, man,” and, “I feel great.”
4. He criticizes sacred suburban institutions.
A fixie owner often attacks treasured rituals of the driving class. To him, gridlock, curb-riding, and road rage are evils to be eradicated.
5. He does not use brakes.
The most cunning fixie owner does not use brakes, itself a subversive act against the state. Could you imagine how swiftly the automobile drivers would be rounded up if they chose not to use brakes on the road?
6. He freely engages in vehicular customization.
A fixie owner can be difficult to recognize because there is no fixie owner mold. While most automobile drivers embrace the assembly line aesthetic, a fixie owner customizes his bicycle with an innumerous combination of accessories, parts, and colours. Beware individuality.
7. He is a substance abuser.
A fixie owner is often seen smiling and laughing, even while peddling up the steepest hill. This is known as the "biker's high." A fixie owner will claim this delirious state is the product of "physical activity," but this is an absurd and unscientific claim.
8. He worships false idols.
A fixie owner often claims to have a "deeper connection to the road," because he believes his vehicle to be an extension of himself. He spouts these lies to children. This must be stopped.
9. He consistently reads and advocates the views of fixie literature.
There are dozens of popular urban publications that openly renounce the suburban lifestyle, report on cycling trends, and provide a forum for fixie owners to communicate and enjoy themselves. These are publications founded on the well-known sins of passion and unbridled enthusiasm.
10. He wants you to be a fixie owner.
The most dangerous thing about a fixie owner is that he actually believes in his backwards culture; he enjoys committing crime and wants you to share in the experience. What could be more wrong?